This time last year we were 9 days from his "due date." We were living in Winter Haven and relocated to my parents' house in Orlando, "just in case." We were waiting, quite impatiently. We were absolutely giddy- the excitement of first time parents who have no idea what is about to happen. We were going about twice a week to the dr. and we couldn't wait to meet our little boy- so when he offered an induction a week later, we went for it.
And I was not prepared.
I was not prepared for how our lives were about to change- for all the love, for all the lack of sleep, for the vast array of emotions that would happen in the next couple of weeks (and, I'm sure, years).
To say those first few weeks were hard for me would be an und
erstatement. I wrote out Caelum's birth story and about the first couple of weeks home with him- and then I put it away. I couldn't go back there, not yet. Now that he is going to be one, I have gone back there. I have read it again. And I am, once again, utterly shocked. Post Partum depression is so hard to revisit, because it is not a general feeling- it is happening because of a momentous, wonderful life change- and that doesn't seem to make sense. It is so consuming, I felt like I was drowning. Someone asked me recently what helped me during that time- and it was Eric. We had so much support, so much love and help from those around us- but, he held me above the water for as long as he needed to. He had patience and love in such abundance that it actually hurts to think about- it was that great.
I love these two pictures:
The first one, my sister took of us when Caelum was about a week old. I know I probably just look exhausted, but this picture represents so much of how intensely I felt for my son and yet how hard it was. It brings back so much of those first few weeks- sometimes I forget, both the good and the bad (but mostly the good), of bringing him home- and this was a moment of both. Of cuddles and contentment and quiet panic.
The second one is such an answer to prayer. Watching him grow and change- seeing myself do the same. Laughing with my son, even in the freezing cold- we have a long long life of being a family ahead of us, but in this picture, I feel like I made it. I made it through the fog, I am a mother.
I remember the distinct feeling of love for him building, I remember being so proud of us, of myself- we can do this, we are going to make it.
And not only have we made it, we have fun- we laugh and we play and, even when it's frustrating, I know we are going to be just fine.
I know this is a bit more personal than alot of the posts on here. I might try to update soon (hopefully before Iverly gets here) about the day to day life here in our home- but, I needed to get this out. I needed to reflect and let you know that I appreciate your support and love. With a first birthday and a second baby approaching, it has been on my heart and mind lately, and I wanted to share.
"Come unto me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Here's to recognizing our many blessings, even if we don't in the moment.
